I did it. I dressed as a cross-dresser, took some photos and posted on a casual sex app. I had too many responses, it was overwhelming, so much that I removed the profile. There was a mix of fear and not being comfortable with it.
A few days later I went back on the app, as a gay male, some pictures as a cross-dresser, but most pics as a gay man. Didn’t have as many responses, met one guy, which was good. Other opportunities to meet came up but just before I had second thoughts. The amount of time and effort that this takes, and the anxiety it brings, for nothing, absolutely nothing. I never get what I want in the end. I want to be worshiped, I want men begging to have sex with me.
But tonight I came to the conclusion again that the majority of my effort goes to trying to change myself so that I am enough to attract these men, whilst they have to do nothing to attract me because I am there like a hungry dog waiting for left overs.
It takes attention away from what really matters, and it makes me love myself less, because the original me never satisfies anyone. What am I going to do with my obsession with men? I don’t know. But tonight I concluded that the first step is to delete the casual sex app again, because I am just continuing with that old pattern of telling myself that I am not enough and therefore and need to do this and that to please people.
I have everything I dreamed off in my life. I good home, an amazing career, I have the things that I want to learn about within my reach.
I am tired of constantly degrading myself. I can feel that this is not too far from getting out of control, and it won’t be long before I am having a line.
I need to go back to the basics of recovery.