I need to get this off my chest

I have a burning desire to cross-dress to please men that are into that. i never ever discussed this anyone. It’s my deepest secret.

There could be many explanations why I would like to cross-dress: the ideal type of men for me is the straight-ish type who once in a while wants a gay men to be his woman; when I was sexually abused by my cousins and a neighbour during my childhood and early teens they didn’t do it because they liked me or liked boys. They did it because they were desperate for sex and I was an easy target when girls weren’t available. Given the circumstances at the time I am well aware that when they were with me they imagined I was a girl. So now I have a strong desire to re-create those moments, despite all the horror I experienced at the time.

I could also mention that I am a sex addict. I don’t think I ever look at any men without thinking what it would be like to have sex with him, and the consequences of this in the past have been disastrous.

I currently have an obsession for a guy who is unavailable, and it’s killing me. I’ve taken all the steps to prevent any opportunity to ever see him again, and every day since I last saw him almost a year ago I die a little bit inside when I think he probably has no desire to contact me. So perhaps the desire to cross-dress is my mind looking for something to replace this obsession.

I am jealous of women, because they can give men what I can’t. The thought of John (my obsession, that’s not his real name) desiring a woman makes me sick, makes me hate them and hate myself even more because I will never be them.  

I know that all the reasons listed above are linked to each other and there is a much deeper explanation behind all of them. But instead of trying to rationalise them I just want to express how much pain these thoughts are causing me today.

Every day I catch myself fantasising about John. We were good friends, we were close, we both attended SLAA, that’s how we met. But when I thought I was in control I suddenly realised that I was on my knees again, which is the thing SLAA was supposed prevent. But I was complacent about my recovery, I thought I knew best. I had to quit SLAA. I needed a clear break from John.

Every day I ask myself how it is possible that I have had all the facts presented to me (he is not into me, he is straight), but deep inside there is this resistance in my head which tells me that those facts are not true, that he is in fact into me and one day, one day he will say how much he loves me. Every single day before I go to bed I bed my Higher Power to help me get through this and show me how to make a clear distinction between my fantasies and reality, because at the moment I feel there are no boundaries in between.

The only thing that I am certain of is that this will pass, even if it means that my obsession will occupy itself with another unavailable man, and I am craving for the break in-between. My feelings for John will pass just like each breath and each step I take, just like all the obsessions I’ve had in the past.

I’ve never cross-dressed, and part of me is telling me that it would just be something to experience. But I know very well that I don’t just do experiences, I get addicted to things easily, and I know it will take me to very dark places, even beyond the ones I’ve been before. The fact that the thought of it makes my heart pound is all the information I need to conclude I shouldn’t do this.

I thought today that I could go back to SLAA, but I am not ready. I have the amazing support of NA and my NA sponsor, plus I have a stable job and the love of my family. I need to work on the things that will make me comfortable in my own skin, without having to wear a mask to attract people that would not be attracted to me otherwise. Or maybe I am just too lost to make sense of what is reasonable and what I should be grateful for.

Despite having to quit SLAA, I still have faith in it, it was there that I had the biggest connection with my Higher Power, and for the first time I felt that I didn’t need to turn into someone else to be happy. Those feelings have long gone, it’s just unfortunate that currently I see John and SLAA as one entity that caused me so much pain. But this too shall pass.