I have until the end of my life to keep trying

I want to write. There are a lot of thoughts in my head that I would like to express, and I feel like that until I express them my head won’t shut up. There are days when it can be overwhelming.

Yet, despite all the ideas and thoughts that come up in my head several times a day, when I sit down to start writing the question that immediately comes to me is what am I going to write about? What is my purpose? Is it not going to be just a waste of time?

In the past when I tried to write a blog I’d spend ages trying to write something witty and impressive, with a lot of detail. The final product would be this enormous essay describing a certain event in detail with an attempt to make people feel sorry for me whilst thinking that I am amazing and that going forward they will read everything I write.

The other day I was thinking that the reason my thoughts won’t shut up is because I hardly speak to anyone, hence I hardly get the chance to express my thoughts, opinions and ideas. When I tried to write previously about myself I was very careful to not come across as a lonely person because I was ashamed of it. But now I am ready to admit, I am a loner. I have no friends. There are some people in my life, which I can probably count using only the fingers of one hand, but none of them contact me regularly to ask how I am, whether I want to go out, go on holidays together, or maybe just to catch up on some good gossip.

I had a small number of friends in school when I was a child, now I have none and I am jealous of that child. But I am doing my very best to not feel sad about it, and I am definitely not going to start writing about how unfair the universe has been with me and nobody likes me. I am here to share my experience in every aspect of my life, to share my thoughts, opinions, and to maybe connect with like-minded people and maybe even make friends. But most of all, my life used to be hell, and I want people who have gone through what I have to learn that there is always a way out.

I have only just been diagnosed with ADHD, and when I next see my psychiatrist he will assess me for autism spectrum disorder. I am also a recovering drug and sex addict as well as a love addict, which is the thing that really kills me inside. There is also complex PTSD and severe anxiety disorder, which has actually improved recently. Despite all that, I had a reasonable education and managed to build a professional career. I have a good job, a good income, I am very fit (compulsive exercise is another thing for me) and some think I am good looking. My self-esteem is shattered on the floor but I am determined to pick up the pieces, and I plan do this by letting things out. I already feel better

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s